Leicester Finally Admit They Were Just Kidding

After amassing 72 points from 33 matches, placing them at the top of the Premier League, and intense pressure from Twitter calling on them to “just stop it already,” Leicester City Football Club threw their hands up and admitted, via manager Claudio Ranieri, that the joke is over: Their long-winded success streak was just an elaborate practical joke.

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“It’s amazing how much people actually bought this. I told James [Vardy] and the Saudi capital [Mahrez] to keep scoring and assisting and see how long it takes people to notice,” Ranieri said in a press conference.

Leicester finished 14th last season, only six points off the relegation zone. Few predicted they would finish in the top half of the table this season, but thanks to a sarcastic 22-goal tally for striker Jamie Vardy and 16 from token minority Riyad Mahrez, LCFC find themselves favorites to win it all.

“I feel like we may have taken this one a bit too far. I think the final straw was beating City 1-3. It felt good at the time, but now I just feel like an asshole,” Mahrez told SantiCathorla. “They could’ve been genuine title contenders.”

Not everyone was too concerned about others, however. Vardy, for one, was quite pleased with the team’s progress, albeit ironic.

“We like how the joke panned out. For the lack of a better term, it’s dope. It’s all pretty dope,” Vardy told SantiCathorla. “To think I could do all this alongside a jap and a paki is just incredible.”

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The Boyfriend Experiment!

Welcome. Just wanted to keep writing stuff—football-related or not—and this one happens to be not.

There’s a lot of absolute fucking bullshit YouTubers these days churn out. I often just ignore it for my own sake, but this one by OckTV, who do their best to make it look like CockTV, popped up on my Facebook feed, and I found it particularly egregious. Here’s a link:

If you’re driving or something and can’t watch the video, I’ll give you a full synopsis here. So there is a girl with a blurred face* sitting in a park in New York City with her laptop, just doing her thing. Along with some EPIC music, Guy 1 approaches the girl and says something along the lines of “I know you don’t know me, but your boyfriend forgot his phone in my class, so here it is,” to which of course she replies, “I don’t have a boyfriend.” He laughs and walks away. So far, nothing reprehensible.

“10 MINUTES LATER!!!!!”

Guy 2, AKA Creepy Jersey Shore man with low-cut polo, struts up to the girl with alarmingly high confidence, using opening line “Hey, how you doin’, schweetheart?”—comfortably the most cringeworthy thing I’ve seen in 2016 so far, and I saw Hillary do the dab. He then proceeds to call her cute, introduce himself, lie about his similar education and then use the best line ever: “Maybe I could get your number cuz we have some compatibility cuz we’re studying the same thing. We could like study later alone together and…get the job done.” Please note there’s a very awkward pause where that ellipsis is, in which he’s literally rubbing his hands together.

Right after that sentence, she rudely cuts him off saying she has a boyfriend, WHICH IS A LIE BECAUSE SHE SAID SHE DIDN’T RIGHT BEFORE! THEY EVEN GOT HER ON CAMERA!! THIS IS INSANE!!!! He then CATCHES HER IN THE LIE RED-HANDED.

“What’s his name?” “Does it even matter?” He then calls her out on the lie (LIKE A BOSS) and says stuff like, “I’m fucking sick of this shit,” “You’ll never have a boyfriend,” “You’re on camera, too. Fuck outta here” and more hilarious, classic lines.

The girl just goes back to reading her book, as Guy 2 walks away (NAILED IT) to some FootyVines dubstep.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that when a creepy-as-fuck guy walks up to you, invades your space in the middle of a park while you’re trying to study, films you without your consent, demands personal information, then asks to study alone with you after three sentences of suspicious exposition, instead of politely lying to spare his feelings, give the man the digits to which he’s entitled.

Furthermore, in terms of getting a guy out of your hair, saying you have a boyfriend is probably a surefire way of getting him to back off—as long as you’re not part of the plot of an aids-ridden YouTube video—as guys tend to respect their fellow br0s more than they respect girls as their own entities. Not only is lying letting him off easy, then, but it’s also safer because it’s likelier the guy will flip a shit if you say you’re not interested than if you say you’ve got a manfriend with whom you share exclusive love.

This video is backwards in so many ways, and it’s only one example of the absolute bullshit from “pranksters!!!” on YouTube these days. I’d imagine there are a lot of videos way worse than this, which is worrying.

*her face is not actually blurred; it’s just the effect from the video

Danny Graham announces retirement from international football after 0 appearances

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Graham shirtless after not playing for or having anything to do with the England national team.

Sunderland striker Danny Graham announced his retirement from international football on Monday, following a relatively unproductive career.

After a total of 0 caps for his country of origin, England—in which he scored 0 goals and assisted 0—the 30-year-old decided to hang up his boots for good.

Graham explained his worryingly disingenuous motives in a press conference:

It was a very tough decision for me, but I decided it’d be for the better. I wasn’t really playing where I wanted to for England, and, more importantly, I want to focus on my club. They need me.

The striker has made 30 appearances for Sunderland and scored on one occasion, deflecting a Jordi Gomez shot goalward. Perhaps a bit of focussing wouldn’t hurt the ex-England international.

Graham also noted that he heeded some advice from an international teammate:

Grant [Holt] has been there with me throughout the whole process. He mentioned to me how when he’d retired from England, it was easier for him to focus on his club, where he now has three whole goals in 20 appearances. Those are numbers I look up to.

If Wigan get their act together and Sunderland keep up their current car crash of a season, the pair could face each other in what would be a tearjerking reunion of ex-England pals.

But for now, Graham’s moving on, and he sends his regards to his ex-teammates:

I wish England the best of success, and I look forward to watching the team from the stands—like usual—but this time, as a fan.

 

Santi Cazorla: My Perfect Role Model

First of all, I’d like to preface this with an apology for my relative lack of activity. I’m sure you’re both all devastated. Anyway, in this post I’m gonna talk about a hero of mine: a certain Santi Cazorla.

“But Jon.. you like Santi Cazorla?”

Indeed I do. It’s been a well-kept secret for many years but the truth always finds its way out, so no need to prolong the inevitable.

On the day on which we signed the little Spaniard from Málaga, I was already dancing in my living room. Aside from the fact that every signing back then was exciting for me (hell, André Santos had me pumped), I knew this one would be a bit more special than usual, especially after watching upwards of 12 ‘Santi Cazorla | Welcome to Arsenal | 2011-12 Goals and Skills’ videos.

First of all, just look at that smile. It’s implicitly telling your baby animal gifs to go fuck themselves (in the nicest way possible). He keeps that positive, humble, self-effacing attitude up on and off the pitch, and that’s both something not too many players can claim and something I admire. He’s easily one of the most likable players in top-flight football, and if you actively dislike Santi Cazorla, you’re either a dejected 57-year-old ice cream truck driver who’s done with life or Adam Federici, the man against whom he scored a fucking header.

Happiness isn’t the extent of his game, though. In terms of footballing ability, his technique is second to none. The gif below is just one of the types of things at which the little magician thrives. His dribbling and ball-control truly make him an absolute joy to watch. There are very few players around whose skill-levels are on par with that of Santi Cazorla.

Cazorla with a frighteningly cool touch against the Netherlands

With the acquisition of Mesut Özil from Real Madrid in the summer of 2013, the limelight shifted from Cazorla to the exciting new signing. But, this season, after Özil proved to be a complete waste of money and effort, Wenger has now decided to sideline him for three months, leaving the onus on Cazorla to run the midfield. This is an exciting opportunity for him to show us he has what it takes to take over the reins and other clichés that apply. I, personally, am very excited to see Cazorla in a more prominent role than the wing. He may not be the most impactful or salient player on the pitch at all times, but on his day, Cazorla can tear the opposition to shreds. One time, the referee even had to pepper spray him out of pity for the opposition.

Hopefully you now understand why I, a 5’6”*, dark-haired, happy-go-lucky, somewhat inconsistent, tricky, flair-oriented midfielder and lover of the Spanish language (and culture) admire Santi Cazorla. Now I just have to become a lot better at everything I do and develop ambidexterity. Having him as my brand is just the first step.

*Cazorla is also 5’6” (in case any of you ignorant swines didn’t already know)

Valuable Life Lessons with Connor Sammon

Footballers have a lot of power. They’re public figures, and they’re on worldwide television more than weekly. Many are also heroes and idols of children all over the world. While plenty of them use their power for good, like Dani Alves offering then-teammate Eric Abidal part of his liver for a transplant and Gabby Agbonlahor tackling the shit out of One Direction member Louis Tomlinson in a charity match, not all footballers can claim to be that noble. While he probably isn’t too many kids’ idols, former Wigan man Connor Sammon did cause some uproar in the vogue world, provoking the fashion police in a major way. Before I say any more, just take a look at this photo capturing the despicable scenes we have here.

He’s wearing that fedora without a hint of irony. I’m no fashionista myself, but I can spot a fish out of water when I see one, and this fish*, my friends, is in the middle of Mt. Vesuvius. Now I feel bad even joking around with this because he just looks so somber. Just look at those eyes.

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They’re saying: “Help me. Get me out of this awful phase. You have no idea how uncomfortable this is.”

To be fair to Sammon, though, I don’t think anyone, besides maybe Alex Song, could even pretend to be confident while wearing that travesty. So moral of the story is: you could be anywhere in the world, having as many problems as you do, but at least you’re not Connor Sammon wearing a fedora.

Now, before I go, I know what you’re thinking: “But, Jon… what would Sammon’s evil conterpart, he who shall not be named, look like in the same hat?”

Well, my friends, let your imagination wander no longer.

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*Considered putting “sammon.” I didn’t. You’re welcome.

Welcome

Hello, reader(s), and welcome to this blog of sorts. Here, I’ll be posting my thoughts, of which, admittedly, few are serious. I hope you, as well as I, understand how futile, needless, unnecessary, and pointless this introduction is. I appreciate your reading this far into it, though.